A Time to Reflect

I have been blogging since 2011 and I have never really put a name to all the feelings that go with it. Yesterday I read a post from Slap Dash Mom that made me cry. Like seriously, tears, boohooing, the works.  Stop Wishing, Start Doing is what she titled it and I think that maybe if I think about it, its really Stop Whining, Start Doing as it applies to me.  Start doing is a big issue of mine. I procrastinate of course (I blame the ADHD) on some occasions but also I have severe insomnia.  I think its a really good night when I can get 3 hours of sleep.  So if I come home from work and actually feel like I might be able to take a nap, I will take a nap. A short nap since I have to get the kids at some point but still. I am always being told by my husband that I would get more done if I stopped napping.  Yeah and I also might go on a murderous rampage.

Backstory where I whine about my life:  I still feel like I have made it somewhere in life.  I turned 17 a month before I had Little M. I still did great in all my classes that semester and went back for 12th grade like nothing had happened. I had honors classes, made a 27 on my ACT twice, and started college 3 days after I graduated high school. I feel like thats something to be proud of.  I was a 16 year old single mom who broke up with her deadbeat boyfriend while she was still pregnant because she could see he would never amount to anything.  Thats exactly what I told him too. I had a future and he was going nowhere.  So I am tired of hearing about all the teen moms and single parents who say its because they had kids and no one helped them.  No one is going to help you. You have to help yourself.  I have three college degrees, I have a car that is paid for, I have  many nice things but I worked damn hard for them. Hence the insomnia probably. I used to work and go to school during the day, be with my son at night, and then after his bed time, do all my homework and papers and reports for the next day.  I graduated with a 3.955, cum laude with honors. And I did all by myself as a single mom.

Now I have a job at a software company. I have a house and a husband. I have another son with one more child on the way. Yet I feel like I havent accomplished anything. I feel like because I cant seem to even finish anything on a deadline that I am a failure as a person, as a mom.

Blogging has been a double-edged sword to me. I love that I am doing something in my free time (free time???) and I love that I can make extra money for my family occasionally. But its also really stressful for me. And really emotional.  Because it has taken up so much of my time.  So much that I am always behind.  I will pull through and get them all done. Then I will lose a family member (I have went to more funerals in these past few years than the rest of my life combined) or one of my kids will get sick (Baby E has an immune deficiency and Little M has GI problems) or I will have a really rough pregnancy.

Sometimes it gets really overwheming. I see all these other bloggers that manage to get it done and I am sure some of them have day jobs and toddlers. I am sure some of them are able to juggle work and keeping a clean house with healthy, happy kids. I try to think this as I take Little M to basketball, cub scouts, or choir or when I am rushing home to make some kind of dinner that has at least one healthy thing in it.

What are they doing that I cant seem to do?  Do they all secretly have nannies and house cleaners? I doubt it but I would kill for either of those.  Maybe its the same magical mommy dust thats like the girly dust I never got.  I suck at makeup, at doing my hair, at matching outfits, at coordinating anything in my house with something else. Mommy time management fairy please visit me soon.

So I am not sure the point of this rambling post where I seem to contradict myself three or four times.  I just wanted to get it out there. I try really hard and its rough at Christmas when money never seems to go far enough and I have to see all these people in my family who barely make it normally struggle. Or have my kids ask for things we cant afford. Its my least favorite holiday (besides the food) because its depressing and its making my already bad mood and feelings like a failure even worse.

So I guess I will just stop whining and start doing.  Rinse and repeat.